WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama last week ordered troops to Chad, after a photo of a former service member with the hashtags #recallmetoduty #tobringthegirlsback went viral, but polls indicate that most Americans don’t know who the fuck Chad is, or why he even needs special forces.
As Chad is poorly known in Washington, Defense Intelligence Agency analysts searched on Facebook to gather a preliminary assessment.
Chad, formally known as Chad Sanders, is a white male who is single, according to the DIA. Special Operations Command (SOCCOM) has been given a profile picture which shows him wearing a pink polo shirt with the collar popped up and a visor that is slightly angled to one side. The angle is thought to be related to whatever African political party he is a member of. He has blond hair that is heavily gelled and is wearing a college fraternity ring on his right hand.
According to a White House press release, the president decided to act after seeing the tweet of “a former American Marine Ranger” in a selfie with the hashtag “#highlytrainedoperatorswillbringthegirlsback” caused numerous other tweets from service members demanding action.
“The President has decided to deploy American troops to Chad to assist in finding the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls. You will all remember the social media campaign that the President and First Lady began to help demand that the girls be returned home through social media. At 0900 hours today, the President sent a Snapchat to the Secretary of Defense calling for the mobilization of forces.”
According to sources, Chad’s deep, almost orange, tan denotes a lot of time spent in the sun. Analysts will correlate this information with geo-tagged information encoded in his many, many, many selfies posted to Facebook, Instagram, FourSquare, Tumblr, Pinterest, Twitter, Photobucket, Gifboom, and even Google+.
“This will allow us to build a map of his favorite ‘bro-cations’ and even a rough estimate of his movement pattern,” sources told Duffel Blog. “It is believed the girls will likely be at one of his hangouts.”
Investigators have zeroed in on multiple Friday night “checkins” at various locations saying “out hunting for the bitches with my boyz.”
“He probably didn’t kidnap the girls originally,” a source added, “but we believe Friday night he either stole or purchased them from the original kidnappers.”
President Obama has indicated the deployment will only end “when the girls are #returnedhomesafely.”