WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) released a new report this week claiming the likelihood of the Thai army attempting a coup d’état was incredibly low, sources confirmed today.
“Using our extensive network of human intelligence sources and comprehensive signals intercepts to look into the political situation in Thailand,” reads the executive summary of the report, obtained by Duffel Blog, “we believe the Thai government is stable and has the faith of both the Thai citizens and military.”
In a press conference, DIA Director Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn seemed unaware that Thai Gen. Prayuth Chan-ocha overthrew the elected government on May 22, and placed the country under martial law. Gen. Chan-ocha’s motivations are not yet clear but many speculate he was angered the cost of a hamburger had risen above 12 cents.
“We came to this conclusion for several reasons,” Lt. Gen. Flynn said, reading portions of the report written by the same people who were surprised by the Arab Spring. “The Thai army has already overthrown the government 11 times since their monarchy was abolished in 1932. They must have it out of their system by now. Their last revolt was in 2006, less than ten years ago. They’re going to give this government some time to settle in and work out those growing pains."
"Also, the head of the DIA can’t even tell the difference between a hooker and a ladybo—Goddammit, who put that in there? Is that supposed to be a joke?" he added.
Sources confirmed Flynn became more distraught as he kept speaking.
“How does anyone remember that? It was my first deployment, I hadn’t heard about that kind of stuff. The only person I told is Jake and he promised he wouldn’t tell. Talk about a breach of trust. Jesus the cameras are rolling, now everyone knows.”
At press time, Lt. Gen. Flynn had broken down in tears and left the podium, mumbling that “Someone’s going to ask about the banana.”