TAMPA, Fla. — A man claiming he was a Marine first sergeant was outed as a military faker after he was unable to recall the horrors of checking out of supply, sources confirmed this morning.
The man, identified as 51-year-old Andrew Davidson of Lakeland, was confronted by a group of service members stationed at Central Command (CENTCOM) after he was spotted in military uniform Saturday at various bars on South Howard Ave.
“To be honest, his uniform looked pretty solid,” said Lt. Evan Rhodes, a Navy intelligence officer stationed at the Tampa base. “His badges and ribbons were all in the right spots; he wore everything correctly. He even had some pretty solid war stories about when he was in Afghanistan.”
Indeed, sources confirmed Davidson told one story from his supposed time in Afghanistan about how he stopped a group of Marines from entering the dining facility since they were wearing uniforms that had gotten dirty out on patrol.
“He sounded just like every other asshole E-8 I’ve ever met,” said Capt. Brandon Bunn, who even bought the man a beer which he initially refused, saying he only drinks black coffee and whiskey.
Davidson’s back story soon fell apart however, after he told them about his recent transfer to CENTCOM.
“We were all talking about what a pain in the ass everything was, from running around base getting signatures, to transferring household goods,” said Rhodes, “And of course, the absolute hell of checking out of supply.”
“I’d rather be shot in the face than have to check out of supply,” he added, telling reporters that Davidson just stared at him and the other service members with a blank look.
“He said something like, ‘I never had any of those problems,'” Bunn said. “That’s when we started to probe a little deeper.”
Sources confirmed that in addition to his absurd assertion of having no problems at supply, the supposed first sergeant was unable to recite the entire Marine Corps uniform regulation P1020.34 from memory, and expressed no interest in making sure Marines always stayed off his goddamned grass.
At press time, Davidson was arrested on charges of wearing unauthorized military awards.