Marine Digging Slit Trench Finds Himself In China
BEIJING, China — A U.S. Marine is being detained in China for what officials called a “literal breach of Chinese sovereignty” after he allegedly infiltrated the country through the use of a sophisticated tunnel system, Duffel Blog has learned.
Private First Class Bobby Sherman, 19, of Danville, Kentucky, is currently under investigation by Chinese authorities for alleged espionage and illegal entry into the communist state. The Marine has denied the allegations.
Sources confirmed Sherman, assigned to H&S 2/7 in Twentynine Palms, California, unwittingly embarked on his first journey outside of the continental United States while tasked with digging a defensive fighting position, or “slit trench.” Sherman’s buddies reported that the laborious assignment was for “no good reason at all, just because Staff Sergeant said to.”
“Alls I know is that Staff Sar’nt said, ‘You dig me a goshdarn slit trench, you hear? Don’t ask why, just dig until I get tired,’ so I just got adiggin’,” said a confused Sherman from his 3x3x3 foot confinement cell. “Next thing I know, Jackie Chan is roundhouse kickin’ me into the backseat of a cop car.”
Sherman tunneled through nearly 8,000 miles of the Earth’s crust, mantle and core, and then again, to emerge in the Chinese county of Yanqing, just outside of Beijing. Chinese officials remain perplexed at how one American could traverse so great a distance in such secrecy.
“Clearly, this Sherman agent was using some type of wormhole to invade the People’s Republic of China,” said state official Xi Ti Pun. Gesturing towards Sherman’s entrenching tool, he continued, “This technology is a grave threat to our national security. We will not rest until we have reverse-engineered it and can mass produce a grossly inferior, lead-based replica at a fraction of the cost with five times as many health risks.”
“Also, the term ‘slit trench’ is extremely racist,” he added.
Sherman suffered minor scrapes and bruises and was considerably dehydrated from his arduous ordeal, but he remains in high spirits with the hope that the U.S. government will come to his aid.
“I mean, if they brought Bergdahl back, they’ll definitely bring me back,” Sherman declared with shaky confidence. “Right? Right?”