Follow Duffel Blog: The following is a point/counterpoint debate between two Army privates trying to decipher what the hell their battalion sergeant major is actually saying to them during a battalion liberty brief. Private First Class Aaron Singh: The SgtMaj always sounds like some kind of silverback gorilla flinging poo at us. Did you hear what he just said? I sure as hell don’t understand a word. “Disturbeding trendency?” Does he even speaky Engrish? Private First Class Travis Allen-Buckley: “Disturbeding” eh? Both disturbed and disturbing? That’s definitely a cause for concern. Certainly a “monumentous occasion.” I honestly think that sergeant major just takes words that he hears and smashes them together to make new ones without thought of grammar or logic. Move over Germany, here comes the new master of nonsensical compounds. Daniel Webster has nothing on a wordsmith of such caliber. Sure, it makes for some entertaining moments during Battalion Balls, but this is getting ridiculous. This is really the best that the military has to offer? If that’s the case I’d might as well start learning Russian. Singh: I think Elmer Fudd and Pooty Tang had a major “influent” on his speech patterns. Maybe he is trying to talk to us in the sonorous language of his people. I need an English to E-9 dictionary so I can look of the “deification” of some of these words. Allen-Buckley: You mean “definacation.” “Deification” is when you turn a man into a god, like the Imperial Cult of the Late Roman Empire. Singh: No, I think that’s something to do with the latrine. Allen-Buckley: My God, did he ask us: “How frequency are you supposed to sweep the barracks area?” Frequency? Are you freaking kidding me? Sounds like someone needs to dust off the ‘Hooked on Phonics’ with a little more frequency if you ask me. Singh: I want to know how “frequency” people in his home town get a GED. I’ve received text messages from high school girls more articulate than he is. Apparently the Army “misunderestimated” his “socialication” skills when he was “relected” for promotion. Allen-Buckley: I “clapplaud” his oblique reference to Hertz’s Law, where calculating the frequency of a repeating event is accomplished by counting the number of times that event occurs within a specific time period, then proceeding to “subvide” the count by the length of the time period. Singh: I’m obliquely “computaliating” how long we’re going to have to stand here listening to him “expoundicate” about the dangers of unprotected sex and the need to use “profilaxis” on our rustled jimmies. These libo briefs inspire me to sit in the barracks all weekend watching online porn “mastercating.” Allen-Buckley: Well, thanks Sergeant Major, we’ll be sure to be hard at work this weekend doing “onlane coursers” in order to “gradvance.” Duffel Blog contributor Fredrick Taub contributed to this article. Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/jYevE Sapper Tom says: December 14, 2014 at 2:43 AM Oh Dear God, this program is enemademic throughout the systemic services. Ed Kenny says: December 14, 2014 at 2:43 AM I was always glad to provide “the most latest updated status” to the junior officers on circuit installation. And thirty years later, I still vividly recall the Company Gunny telling a hound Marine that he failed theft because his chin “was not paralyzed to the bar”. Justin Draper says: August 31, 2014 at 12:14 PM HAHAHA good ol Leota. i always love seeing folks i know in the header pics. Roger Molett says: August 19, 2014 at 3:13 AM “Administrate,” a Bill O’Reilly word, and of course, “conversate.” People actually think they sound smart when they say they conversated with this or that person. Jamie Yeats says: August 18, 2014 at 12:14 PM My father’s favorite was a platoon sergeant in 3/12 Cav who was always talking about the tank’s ‘main ornament.’ John Crawford says: August 18, 2014 at 12:14 PM True story before my first OIF deployment. CSM: There is upleted (sic) uranium all over Iraq but you can’t see it. It’s like finding a haystack in a pile of haystacks. Patrick Allis says: August 15, 2014 at 10:59 PM As a former Army MP with an Infantry Division I found very few enlisted AND NCO’s could barely even write an understandable statement…I had to rewrite so many reports and have them attempt to give me a legible signature. Christian Keller says: August 15, 2014 at 6:44 PM I was coercing the other day with my CSM when he caveated me to edjumicate myself on tactics. Paul Woods says: August 15, 2014 at 11:44 AM My god, this is so spot on (though it’s satire…so calm down, enlisted, I get it.) Not just spoken, but written. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Ron Chausse' says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM Now all y’all gits inta alphabetical hors d’oeuvres Prithvi Jagannath says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM they just need to listen to CSM and renewvate their way of thinking. Matthew Quiroz says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM I can recall hearing over the net….”Take up a good hog down turret defecated position while we observe the artillery garage..” Oh how this made me giggle… Jason Long says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM I had a BN CSM once with a significant stutter. He was unintentionally hilarious. He was also a wonderful NCO, but I just wouldn’t go to a board under him because I would lose my bearing laughing. He was talking to all the BN NCOs at the end of the day once trying to pump us up about something. He said, “because we’re in the 1st of the 37777777777777th. I was like WOW! I didn’t know we were in that unit! I also had a 1SG at Ft. Drum who was a bilingual stutterer; he stuttered in both English and Spanish. Pedro Vera says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM I don’t think I ever met a SGM that broke that pattern. It’s weird because we had plenty E-7s and E-8s that were very well spoken, but once they go through the Sergeant Major’s Academy they come out talking like that. Dan Widge says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM This one time after training all day, our SGM decided to give all the NCOs a class on how to fill out the NCOER form. It took him over 3.5 hours. Nobody understood what he was trying to say, or cared. I did write down how many times he said: “With that said…” David Fenzl says: August 15, 2014 at 9:28 AM CSM: Can you believe these two privates walking around amphibious to their surroundings? Carleton Nathanael Swartz says: August 15, 2014 at 6:28 AM This must’ve been between two former x-rays in the 82d. Carl Beutler says: August 15, 2014 at 6:28 AM I would share this but it might rustle sone jimmies. Jason Long says: August 15, 2014 at 6:28 AM I’m still trying to find Hohensfeld training area in Germany. It never shows up in searches Joseph Diamond says: August 15, 2014 at 6:28 AM Magnificent military malapropisms. Only Yogi Berra could translate. Might be speech is like signatures……..does not need to be readable, just recognizable; like Gunnysergeanteze, yo! Joe David Mary Anne Shilkitus says: August 15, 2014 at 6:28 AM What, nobody uses “orientate” any more?