The following is a guest column by Sergeant 1st Class William Avery, who volunteered to be a urinalysis NCO.
I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve been doing this a long time, and that’s the nicest penis I’ve ever seen piss into a plastic cup.
Now, I’m not just saying that, trust me. I don’t just throw these kind of compliments around. I’m what you call a straight shooter — a solid guy if you will.
I know this whole encounter began a bit haphazardly. You were in morning PT formation; I was lurking around the back. Our eyes met, and something happened. There was something there. You didn’t know it yet, but I did. That’s right: Urinalysis.
But, neither of us could have seen our fates intertwining quite this way. I mean hell, when you walked up to that table, signed your name on the roster, verified your social, and took your cup, you could have been assigned any of the other NCOs. Instead, I was available.
Sure, I’ve been volunteering for this despite being an E-7. Is that a little wierd? Sure.
Little did I know that, when I saw you holding that empty plastic bottle up over your head, that we would be sharing this moment. This wonderful moment with my chest reassuringly pressed against your back, my breath on your cheek, and my eyes glued to that penis in your hand. I really just wanted to take this moment and tell you how much I appreciate a good penis when I see one, and yours is a thing of beauty.
That’s a nice watch, by the way.
I mean, the shaft is just spotless, troop. In all frankness, my first thought was, “I wonder what it looks like erect?” Sure, you are squirming uncomfortably and trying to cover it with your hand while simultaneously pushing the head into the bottle, but I can appreciate it nonetheless.
But for real, I need to see the flow leaving the body. Ease up on that hand there, hero.
As I was saying, fate. Fate has brought us together, Specialist. See how the color of the veins accents the blonde pubic hair? It is reminiscent of Bernini; perhaps Michelangelo. I would not be lying if I described it as “sculpted.” You should look into waxing, or electrolysis for that manscaping. Shaving’s convenient, but wrecks the skin.
You wouldn’t scrape the Mona Lisa with a metal blade, why do it to that work of art in your Under Armour?
I won’t bore you by admiring its length or girth. You hear that enough, I’m sure. Besides, that’s how an amateur admires a penis. I, on the other hand, take a more nuanced approach to this endeavor. You see, I appreciate the finer things, such as smooth curve of the glans and the overhead symmetry. Now, I bet you’ve never had someone raise that level of detail. That’s what I bring to this game. A fine appreciation.
Oh, I guess you did fill it up. Just go ahead and shake… it… a bit to remove any excess urine. You don’t want to get that on the rim of the bottle now, do ya, troop? Okay, then, screw the cap on, hold it above your head, and lets proceed back to the station. Wash your hands?
You don’t need to do that, nothing dirty about what you’re packing down there, soldier.