WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy said Wednesday that it did not have a drinking problem and it could “totally quit drinking anytime,” sources confirmed.
The Navy cited it is dealing with numerous stressful issues and picking up a bottle from time to time hasn’t made any significant impact on mission accomplishment. Among the day-to-day stressors the Navy says it experiences are boredom, anger at the Marine Corps for always flirting with all the hot Air Force babes, and recent budget woes from sequestration.
“Friggin’ dress blues are the number one cause of pregnancy in the military,” slurred the Navy. It went on to decry the F-35, ranting that it was an “expensive piece of crap” and lamenting the “great gooddamn feature where it blows up when hit by lighting.”
The Navy went on to point out its alcohol use hadn’t negatively affected its adherence to the Naval core values of karaoke, softball, and fraternization. Also the Navy claimed it still clung to traditional “old school” Naval values like “rum, sodomy, and the lash,” stipulating “Only if she’s into it though.”
“I abide by an uncompromising code,” the Navy said, belching. “I keep the best interests and well-being of my peers and subordinates my highest priority. It’s why I always wear a condom. Also, I constantly strive for self improvement. Just the other day I beat the dog shit out of some jarheads at beer pong in the barracks. Competition allows others to bring out the best in you.”
Even if it did have an alcohol problem, the Navy contends, it would only be hurting itself and no one else. It has been fighting wars for most of this century in more different types of camouflage utilities than any other branch. Further, it’s deployed to land-locked countries with no significant bodies of water, and its anti-piracy mission amounted to little more than a glorified catch and release program.
Finally, the Navy said it didn’t need alcohol to perform but merely used it to relax a little bit and build up its tolerance.
Duffel Blog intrepid reporter Sgt B contributed to this article.