Sailor Just Litters In Public, Like He Doesn’t Even Care About The Core Values He Represents

NORFOLK, Va. — Demonstrating alarming moral flexibility for a man in uniform, local Quartermaster Second Class Kenny Cruise reportedly littered today, right there in front of everyone at a neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts, like he doesn’t even care about the Honor, Courage, and Commitment he represents in public.

“I was just in line for coffee,” said one eyewitness, who was still shaken-up over the incident. “I was gawking at the sailor, as one does, when out of nowhere he misses the trash can with a crumpled napkin and walked right out that door.”

“He didn’t even stop to see who noticed,” another witness complained. “Now I have to explain to my kid that some heroes litter, too. Thanks for your service? Thanks for nothing!”

Indeed, Cruise’s indiscretion — decidedly not in line with Navy standards for model citizenship — has drawn sharp criticism from community members who expect servicemen and women to set the example, along with cops, clergy members, and politicians.

“That uniform means something,” said one bystander of Cruise’s littering, recounting the shock he felt to discover that beneath Cruise’s commanding exterior lived a mostly-selfish, independently determined piece-of-shit just like him. “What’s the world honestly coming to, when I can’t rely on a 24-year-old in blue camouflage to lead the way? He might as well have pissed on the Constitution.”

A short review of Cruise’s record, made available by Navy public affairs, reveals a checkered past for the Brooklyn, New York native. In 2013, the litterbug was counseled for failing to salute an out-of-uniform officer on the pier. And In 2011, his liberty was restricted for walking on the grass.

So is Cruise just a bad apple needing to be separated from the bunch, or does today’s recklessness speak to a broader cultural shift in the Navy, one in which its sailors view the core values they’re sworn to uphold as “just words?”

“What’s the big deal?” Cruise told reporters of the incident. “It’s not like I ducked out on colors.”


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