The following is a point/counterpoint debate between your assistant operations officer and your salty old operations chief about physical training methods and supplementation.
Assistant Operations Officer (S-3A): “I always add an exact 134-millijoule dose of soy-protein into my wheat-sourgum pre-workout shake. It’s all about discipline and motivation. Like, today is arms and back day, right? I’m gonna sling some weight during lunch and hit up my lats, traps, bis and tris. I’m going to totally OWN that shit, son!”
Operations Chief, Master Gunnery Sgt. (MGuns): “Own my taint, you pretentious fairy. While you carefully measured out a perfect balance of fish oil, L-Arganine, and vanilla uranium into your oatmeal and banana smoothie this morning, all I had for breakfast was root beer and a stick of beef jerky. ”
S-3A: “Maybe when you came in back in WWII it was a requirement to go on long PT runs with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of scotch in the other, but in the 21st Century we use science to build better, toned, fit bodies. Just by the look of you, I can see you need to focus more on your core. Ever heard of a plank?”
MGuns: “The only plank I’ve ever needed was one I used to break over the head of dumbass boot officers who think popular culture replaces a proven training plan. Since when did isolating your anterior sphincter equate to any kind of physical capability? I may not be able to do five consecutive dead hangs, but I’ll put a pack on my back then hike all day to the range, and still knock the titties off chipmunk at 500 meters with iron sights when I get there. For a heterosexual male, you spend a suspicious amount of time staring at all the glossy pictures in Muscle & Fiction magazine.”
S-3A: “Great, so you’ve spent a career supplementing your diet with nothing but caffeine, nicotine, and hard liquor. This is exactly why you’re 45 years old with the body of 60 year old man, and will die exactly two years after you retire. How’s that bad hip doing? I’ve got some glucosamine and chondroitin in my bag for you.”
MGuns: “Right, Muscles, a pinch of tobacco between my cheek and gums is going to wreak havoc on my health, as compared to injecting whale semen directly into my scrotum. Instead of stacking supplements, you might want to stack a compass on top of a map sometime. If I keep having to listen to the in-depth details of your exercise and health regimen, I’m going to requisition supply for a mouth piece for my M-9.”
S-3A: “Listen, Old School, intense weight lifting workout routines, nutrition, and supplements are the foundation for creating a stronger, fit, disciplined war fighter. Maintaining balanced protein intake, a negative nitrogen balance, supplemented with some cardio is the only way to get a better Fran time.”
MGuns: “Fran is the name of a prostitute I brought to the Marine Corps Ball 25 years ago. Say, isn’t that your mom’s name too?”
Duffel Blog investigative journalist Dick Scuttlebutt contributed to this report.