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The Essential Guide To Moving Up The Ranks Of The US Military

Do you find your military service frustrating? Do you wish you could move up the ranks faster? If so, we have the guide for you.

Each year, when Congress passes the National Defense Authorization Act, it tells the Armed Services how many servicemen and women can be on active duty during the assigned fiscal year. Separately, Congress also limits what percentage of the total active duty force can serve in each commissioned officer rank, what percentage of the total active duty force can serve in each warrant officer rank, and what percentage of the active duty force can serve in each enlisted rank, above the grade of E-4. There aren’t any limits for the number of personnel below the rank of E-4.

A service member receives promotion points for various accomplishments, such as military decorations, and Physical Fitness Test scores.

Administrative points consist of the following:

  • Duty Performance
  • Competence
  • Military Bearing
  • Leadership
  • Training
  • Responsibility/Accountability
  • Awards and Decorations
  • Military Education
  • Civilian Education
  • Military Training

Some categories count more than others. After the points are determined in the above sections each soldier physically appears before the promotion board. Each board members ask a series of questions, and scores the candidate in several areas such as:

  • Personal Appearance
  • Oral Expression & Conversation Skills
  • Knowledge of World Affairs
  • Awareness of Military Programs
  • Attitude

Once you have successfully infiltrated the upper ranks of the infidel it is up to your personal judgment as to how you can inflict maximum damage from the inside. Like a rotten tree that looks whole and sound from without, it often takes merely a kick to send the entire organism crashing down upon itself. Such is the Great Satan, may God blind it to its cancer and preserve us from its infection!

Consider your attack carefully to create the most potential psychological impact. Remember that the craven western Media is our greatest ally. These vultures are attracted to blood and death. Irony in your strike is strongly encouraged, consider blowing yourself up in the middle of a Suicide/Safety Stand-down Day. For it is written: “The grateful tears of the wicked slain during a leadership development brief are sweet balm to the lips of the faithful.” The tattered sexual harassment posters fluttering in the wind also makes for YouTube montages to be edited with glorious Anasheed audio backing.

In the end, ensure there are no loose ends preventing your martyrdom. Remember, there is no place on the path to Janaah for the frightened or cowardly. Do not end your days in prison like Nidal Malik Hasan (may God provide for his release). Go to your death in a blaze of glory and carve your name in letters of fire upon the Book of Life. Do not be afraid of Shaytan, for none fear him save his followers.

“Is not God sufficient for His Servant? And yet, they threaten you with those they worship other than Him. And whoever God leaves astray – for him there is no guide.” You have made your way, and no you shall not swerve. You shall keep firm on God’s path with the strength of iron. So say farewell to this land of life, oh thou Stubborn Heart, for you have directed your limbs to the land of lions.

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Mec Heyes
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

For a humor site, this is a most educational article. I have nearly worn out Wikipedia looking up the unfamiliar names and words.

Guy Cole
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Waiting for the companion “Moving down the ranks” guide.

Tom Perry
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

that guy 2nd row, 2nd column needs to stop eyeballing me

Danny Artuno Johaven Hoyos
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Fucking loved this one, gave me a bit of a Welcome to Nightvale feel.

Kelli Couch
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

DB is the best! They offer career advice, too!

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