FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Brig. Gen. Richard Clarke, commander of the U.S. Army’s elite 82nd Airborne Division, announced Wednesday that under the division’s new standard operating procedures, one company in every battalion is to be designated a Quick Reaction to Bullshit Force, or QRBF.
“When we’re downrange, designating a Quick Reaction Force allows us to have a unit that maintains a constant state of readiness to respond to emergencies,” Clark explained. “It’s equally important in garrison to have a unit that stands ready to be called in at a moment’s notice for idiotic, time-wasting bullshit.”
The bullshit to be executed by the QRBF includes spontaneous equipment layouts, hourly accountability formations, daily briefings on the perils of drunk driving, and new area beautification practices as outlined in FM 06-37, “Redundant Lawnmowing Operations.”
While on Quick-Reaction-to-Bullshit status, soldiers are expected to have dress uniforms, lawn tools, and paperwork always on hand, and to be able to respond to rapidly developing bullshit within half an hour.
“Sometimes the QRBF will be called in to fill out the same finance paperwork that S1 has lost three times already,” said Sgt. Maj. Antonio Lopez. “Other times it’ll be to wait around in formation for several hours, then be dismissed without explanation. Bullshit situations can develop anytime, anywhere, so we always need troops who are trained and prepared to squander hours of their time on utter nonsense.”
Personal time will be no exception. Weekend recall formations and insufferable ‘mandatory fun’ social functions will require the soldiers to be ready for soul-crushing bullshit at any hour of the day, seven days a week.
“There’s no greater skill a soldier can have than the ability to deal with unreal levels of bullshit,” Lopez added. “And like any skill, if you don’t use it, you lose it. A constant stream of bullshit allows us to always be ready.”
“For more bullshit,” he clarified.
At press time, responses from the lower ranks have been mixed. “Sounds like this bullshit will waste our time and insult our intelligence on a tremendous scale,” said Spc. Lawrence Walford of 2nd Battalion, 1st Brigade. “I’m just wondering how that’s supposed to be any different from a typical day in the 82nd.”