KABUL, Afghanistan — President Obama is set to marry Roxanne, daughter of recently-elected Afghan president Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai, fulfilling the final terms of the new Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) with the war-torn nation, sources say.
The agreement calls for U.S. troops to continue another year of combat operations against the Taliban, financial support until 2017, and an exchange of brides throughout the country. The city of Kandahar, originally named for Alexander the Great, will be renamed “Obamahar.”
All ISAF members are urged to take wives from the local populace and hold marriage ceremonies by the celebration of the new moon, defense officials said. Each platoon will be issued a dowry for each eligible service member of one goat, a baggy of “Naswar,” and a cheap watch. These are to appease the fathers, brothers, and cousins of the so-called “SOFA wives.”
In order to assuage the concerns of tribal leaders, Gen. John Campbell, commander of ISAF, ordered all U.S. Marine units to be rushed out of the country prior to the nation-wide matrimony. “We don’t need swaths of Marines stealing every woman in sight from the entire Helmand Province,” Campbell said.
Michelle Obama was reportedly “furious” with the recent addition to the presidential family.
“I put up with that rat dog ‘Bo,'” the First Lady privately told staff, “but don’t expect me to put up with this!”
Yet the President sees this as “the only way to secure victory in Afghanistan,” and his family needs to “suck it up,” one top aide told Duffel Blog, on condition of anonymity.
According to Pentagon sources, UCMJ prohibitions against bigamy will be waived for brides taken before the new moon, and service members can apply for additional spouse and housing benefits.
At press time, only 88 ISAF members have been killed or wounded as a result of attempting to barter for a better looking bride.