WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has pushed back all inspections, promotions, and orders for troop movements until the day after he leaves office, sources confirmed Thursday.
“Hagel doesn’t care anymore,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey. “He’s been showing up late to formation hungover in a rumpled suit. Once I heard him muttering ‘let the next guy deal with it.’ I even caught him sleeping in a broom closet during field day.”
Senior defense officials have confirmed that Hagel has refused to read his daily briefings, dismissing any attempts at keeping him updated on world events by saying "I got two months. I don't give a fuck."
The outgoing defense secretary has been seen in his office watching Netflix instead of authorizing airstrikes against ISIS. He has also been seen on the Pentagon smoke deck smoking out of a glass pipe.
“I confronted Hagel about smoking pot,” Dempsey said. “I told him he’d get caught. All he said was ‘What are they going to do, kick me out? They can't shave my head and send me to Vietnam, can they?'"
"I guess he's got a point," Dempsey added.
Hagel's deputy Robert Work has been directed to brief the president so that he doesn't have to, Hagel admitted. “Punk ass, rank climbing POTUS,” Hagel told reporters. “Moved up so fast he has no idea what he’s talking about. Can’t stand his ass. This didn’t happen at my last command. Don’t tell the President I said that.”
At press time, Hagel announced he was going to take his duties more seriously and would spend the rest of his tenure as Defense Secretary touring military facilities in Hawaii and Key West.