OCEANSIDE, Calif. — Despite being the most overqualified candidate ever to volunteer, Superman has been rejected for Army service because he’s an illegal alien, Duffel Blog has learned.
When he walked into the Oceanside Army National Guard’s recruiting office, Sgt. 1st Class Armando Lamb knew he was the perfect recruit.
“Faster than a bullet, stronger than a locomotive and can’t be killed by either?” Lamb said. “He was a recruiter’s dream come true. Normally, we get overweight high school dropouts or Marines who weren’t picked up for promotion. Seriously, my job sucks.”
Superman initially glossed over his immigration status with the recruiter and flew through the recruiting process.
“He scored a 290 on his ASVAB,” said Lamb. “It’s the test you take to enlist and the highest possible score is 99. He did almost fail his medical, but thankfully, he listened to me when I told him to lie about being allergic to Kryptonite.”
Despite his incredible aptitude, sources said Superman was rejected during the background investigation.
“Since I’m not native born, they needed my parents’ birth certificates,” said Superman. “I tried to tell them my parents were blown up along with my entire planet, but apparently, Krypton isn’t recognized as a real planet.” Despite his rejection, Superman’s friends have encouraged him to serve under his alias Clark Kent.
His current workplace, hometown newspaper The Daily Planet, has published a new editorial in favor of the DREAM Act but so far, Congress continues to ignore the bill.
“Clark would make a great soldier,” said Jimmy Olson, a Daily News Planet co-worker. “He could be a combat photographer and instead of a gun, he can shoot a camera and go pew, pew, pew.”
At press time, immigration officials were purchasing a flight on Virgin Galactic for Superman’s travel to Krypton, although his insistence the planet no longer exists could mean he may be deported to Mexico instead.