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Fort Hood Achieves Record-High 1½ Star Yelp Score


FORT HOOD, Texas — Leaders at the Fort Hood military base in Texas are hailing the 50 percent improvement to their Yelp page that has brought their rating up to 1½ stars, sources confirmed this morning.

“They’ve really turned this place around,” said Spc. Tara Stevens, admitting she recently amended her Yelp review of the base to 3-stars from an initial assessment of 1-star. “I work for the Base Services Group and we’re getting a lot fewer work orders to clean up fluid and bullet holes in ceilings.”

Single star ratings are typically reserved for restaurants from which every customer gets diarrhea, beauty salons that cater exclusively to street prostitutes, or martial arts studios that molest their younger clients, according to sources at Yelp. But ‘The Great Place,’ as it is referred to by general staff and a handful of billboards, is finally living up to its name.

“Yeah, I gave Fort Hood a pretty good review, I think. They said I could have my stapler back if I gave it a good review. But I didn’t get it back. And then they took away my computer so I can’t change it,” Sgt. Adam Norris, a soldier who’s been posted at Ft. Hood for the entirety of his 13-year career with the Army, told reporters.

“Cutting off the internet to North Ft. Hood [a deployment mobilization center] has really helped,” Command Sgt. Maj Patrick Williams explained. “We had an infantry battalion there for 63 days getting trained up for Afghanistan by truck drivers from First Army. That almost knocked us back down to 1 star. Fortunately, a lot of the reviews were removed due to Yelp’s rules on obscenity and hate speech.”

“I don’t know what isn’t to love,” Williams continued. “There have been a lot fewer murders in Killeen. And we have a Chile’s now.”

Sources confirmed a series of mandatory Change of Yelp Review Ceremonies have been scheduled by leadership across the post to commemorate the occasion.

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