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American-Born ISIS Recruit Beheaded For Calling Cadence


MOSUL, Iraq – Sources confirmed American citizen Rick Phelps was beheaded today in Iraq after footage was disseminated to various media outlets depicting him being brutally decapitated with a steak knife.

Phelps, 32, from Topeka, Kansas and a former member of the Westboro Baptist Church, converted to Islam in early 2014, adopted the name “Mohammed al-Fatwa,” and took up arms with the Islamic State, reportedly saying, “These guys hate gays and the American military almost as much as I do.”

Phelps, notorious for his extremist views and excessive motivation, would oftentimes break out unsolicited marching cadences randomly throughout the day, much to the chagrin of his peers.

“Allah, that guy was such a fucking boot,” remarked Ibrahim Bakir, who underwent basic training alongside Phelps. “I swore I would cut off his balls and feed them to him if I heard him sing ‘C-130 Rolling Down the Strip’ one more time, but someone beat me to the punch.

“I have no doubt that missing this opportunity will be the deepest regret I carry to my grave,” he added.

Indeed, Phelps’ enthusiasm proved to be so demoralizing that superiors prohibited any form of cadence calling. The celebrated mandate was short-lived, however, as an undeterred Phelps continued to “inspire” his comrades with classics like “Yellow Ribbon,” “When I Get to Jannah,” “Four Winds,” and “Everywhere We Go.”

Icy glares and disgruntled rumblings prompted one officer to address the issue head-on, and Phelps’ soulful rendition of “Mama, Mama Can’t You See?” was cut short as his head was violently severed from his body.

“People wonder why we hate America,” said the unidentified masked man to the camera, holding Phelps’ dripping head. “Case in point.”

While most American service members have lauded the incident as a justified “mercy killing,” at least one “legendary” retired Marine Corps sergeant major called it “an utter tragedy.”

Paul contributed to this report.

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