FORT HOOD, Tex. — Soldiers in the 797th EOD Company spent lunchtime trying to identify the strong odors emanating from the dayroom. Speculation about the source ranged from “butthole supernova” to “Sgt. Razak Bersekutu microwaving” his “ethnic food,” sources say.
“It smelled like the taint of a One Percenter after he spent all day in a trailer making meth and slapping an Asian hooker around,” said Staff Sgt. Michael Schmidt, a Team Leader from Opelika, Alabama. “At first I thought, alright, Pfc. Ringgold probably crapped in his pants after eating an entire economy-sized bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos like he does about once a week. But then I remembered, Bersekutu likes to microwave his lunch in there. His terrible food smells terrible.”
Further investigation did not yield satisfactory results. The microwave, coated inside with a wondrous variety of backsplash, was currently unoccupied and Sergeant Bersekutu was not in the immediate vicinity. He was discovered forty minutes later watching futanari porn with a few of his soldiers in their platoon office.
“For my money, I think Razak was indeed cooking his lunch, even though Capt. Pinson specifically forbade him from doing so anymore,” confided Sgt. Kim Steinprice, “because it always makes the shop smell like a medical waste dumpster filled with Jesse Ventura’s unwashed underpants.”
Pinson, the commander, became so intrigued at the mystery that he conducted an inquiry personally, summoning Bersekutu to the head shed. After an hour-long interrogation with no clear result, Pinson resorted to extreme measures.
“Alright, you fuckers all drop your pants,” he shouted at the formation assembled in the company bay. “We’re not going home until we find out who made the dayroom smell like Michael Moore had sweaty butt sex with Warren Sapp. And Sergeant Bers says it wasn’t his mecrob. Or boodog, or moose nose, or whatever the fuck you people eat. Jesus, you’re fucking disgusting, Bers. Anyway: pants down!”
Although many skidmarks were discovered, and Sergeant First Class Conger was discovered to be wearing very high-end ladies’ lace boy shorts, “No assplosions were observed,” Pinson said. This sealed the fate of Sergeant Bersekutu.
“I honestly don’t see why the guys are all upset about it,” said Bersekutu, in his Class A’s awaiting the reading of his Article 15 findings. “My pig brain soup doesn’t smell any worse than when Specialist Merkins warms up his peanut butter and pimento cheese sandwiches.”