FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Army Spouse Lindsey Ackerman would like everyone to know that she deserves a measure of sympathy for the physical damage that her impending divorce has caused her, Duffel Blog has learned from social media.
“Deployments are hard on everybody,” Mrs. Ackerman, an Army Technical Spouse, announced on Facebook. “But a lot of people don’t seem to understand the real, physical toll that they take on those that are left behind. My doctor told me I now have the vagina of a 92-year old who just had quintuplets.”
“Injuries happen on the battlefield and on the homefront,” she added.
Mrs. Ackerman’s husband, Army Staff Sgt. Steven Ackerman is currently recovering at Bagram Air Field for a traumatic brain injury he sustained during a VBIED attack. But his wife would like everyone to know that he isn’t the only one scarred by this deployment.
“Perhaps there were no guns or bombs involved,” she said. But she has withstood a Category-5 Dicknado for nine long months “and walked out the other side,” albeit with a limp.
“Boo-hoo. A little concussion? My OB-GYN took one look down there and said it looks like a hand grenade went off in a roast beef and mayonnaise factory,” Mrs. Ackerman tweeted.
Staff Sgt. Ackerman was made aware of his wife’s infidelities when he noticed the website Pornhub.com had added an additional “Lindsay Ackerman” category to its homepage, located alphabetically between Lesbian and Massage.
“I was upset at first,” Staff Sgt. Ackerman reported from his hospital bed. “But it would be selfish of me to blame her. I chose this career, imposing the hardship of separation on her. And apparently her pelvis is so hollowed-out now that her femurs will literally just fall out of the sockets for no reason.”
In order to expedite the divorce process, both parties have agreed to put their home up for sale. The property will be listed this Valentine’s Day and likely sold at a discount due to the thick layers of protein caked onto the floors, walls and ceiling.
“It looks like a fucking stalactite cave in there,” Penny Gibson, the Ackerman’s realtor, explained. “The property will sell as-is, with a few hundred articles of men’s clothing, eight empty cases of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, and a stack of 15 tuna cans which have been duct-taped together and heavily lubricated.”
The couple has no children. Mrs. Ackerman, however, is suffering from what researchers at Harvard Medical School have dubbed “Mega Pregnancy.” The newly discovered disorder was likely caused by an incredible volume of male ejaculate which has effectively colonized her reproductive and digestive systems, creating a sort of writhing, semi-sentient gelatinous symbiont that will gradually devour her from within.