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Artilleryman Starves to Death Inside Hearing Test Booth


FORT CAMPBELL, KY — A soldier assigned to the 1st Brigade of the 101st Airborne Division was found dead this Monday in the Soldier Readiness Processing Center (SRPC) by fellow service members, according to base security officials. Sources report that Sgt. Aaron Sanchez allegedly succumbed to starvation after two weeks alone in a hearing test booth, because his tinnitus prevented him from hearing most frequencies.

“Old Sancho died trying to pass eh? That’s nothing!” Sanchez’s supervisor Sgt. 1st Class Christopher Barber yelled at reporters. “Two of my redlegs got run over by a train the other day!”

A preliminary investigation into the death has determined that Sgt. Sanchez, an artilleryman currently serving as a 105mm gunner, did not want to reveal just how badly his hearing had deteriorated over the course of his four years in the Army and risk being rendered medically non-deployable.

“We have discovered on the test playback that Sgt. Sanchez repeatedly pushed the trigger when there were no tones being played, and failed to press it when there were,” explained Mr. Robert Hogan, the investigator assigned the case. “Unfortunately, it appears that Sgt. Sanchez’s hearing was so bad that he couldn’t even hear the computer telling him that the test was restarting.”

Sources inside the SRPC further revealed that the particular booth that Sgt. Sanchez was sitting inside had recently been upgraded to remain locked from the outside until the completion of the test, a modernization that the SRPC claims has boosted success rates by 13%.

The trapped Sgt. Sanchez went unnoticed both by soldiers hurrying to get their deployment papers stamped and the enlisted lab technicians stationed outside the booths, as they never actually look inside them.

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