ISIS, Boko Haram Merger Clears Critical US Antitrust Hurdles
WASHINGTON — Islamic terror conglomerates ISIS and Boko Haram could join forces as soon as next week after the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) approved their merger earlier today.
Raqqa-based ISIS said it planned to close as soon as next Wednesday on the acquisition of Nigerian terror group Boko Haram after final federal antitrust regulator review. The deal, worth about 2.7 billion sheep, would create a juggernaut in the fast-growing businesses of ethnic cleansing and slavery.
Those close to the merger report that the hasty consolidation is designed to cut costs and capture a larger share of the girls ages 15-18 demographic, which remains fractured across continents. ISIS also plans to continue to develop more user-friendly public immolation technology and expand its current grip on black head scarves.
Abu Fatima al-Jaheishi, one of ISIS’ board members and Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions, lauded the regulatory approval as the first step towards the globalization of ISIS’ unique brand of caliphate.
“ISIS and Boko Haram are the two largest extremist organizations in the terrorism industry and combined would have far more reach than our biggest rivals, the Obama administration and the European Commission,” al-Jaheishi told Duffel Blog. “Plus, Boko Haram matches each dollar invested in their 401(k) with a slave, so our employee owners felt the merger is a no-brainer.”
With no clear back-up plan or coherent strategy to combat ISIS or Boko Haram, intelligence and financial analysts agree that the news is a significant blow to all of humanity, who were counting on the FTC as the last line of defense to the mounting threat of globalized terror.
FTC Chairwoman Edith Ramirez held a press conference to respond to the widespread criticism following the ruling.
“We looked long and hard at this particular case due to its sensitive nature. While we had concerns that this may pose a threat to US consumers, ISIS and Boko Haram are not technically deceiving anyone,” Ramirez told reporters. “They openly hate Americans and fully disclosed their intentions to ‘wipe the stain of the Infidels off of the planet, Praise be to The Bestower of Honors.'”
She also cited numerous videos the group has produced detailing the brutal and disturbing ways in which they plan to destroy Western civilization, noting the transparency with which they operate.
“What if Enron or Lehman Brothers were as open and honest with their intentions as Islamic terrorists? I think Fortune 500 companies could take a page out of ISIS’ playbook and provide more information to consumers.”