CHICAGO, Ill. — Multiple witnesses confirmed seeing the spitting image of Russian President Vladimir Putin at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in downtown Chicago on Saturday, Duffel Blog has learned.
The unexpected sighting comes on the heels of Putin’s reappearance in St. Petersburg Monday, where he met with Kyrgyz President Almazbek Atambayev after an unexplained 11-day absence from the public spotlight.
If substantiated, the claim could embroil the truant politician in further controversy while raising the question, just who exactly was the man previously addressing the public?
“Is no need to speculation,” presidential spokesman Dmitry Peskov calmly asserted. “Simply drunk guy who look like president at parade. Mr. President is not even – how you say – Irish.”
However, thousands of Chicagoans at the parade begged to differ, and at least one member of the president’s cabinet isn’t fooled.
“Is suspicious, no?” posited First Deputy Prime Minister, Igor Shuvalov. “I get phone call. Pretty girl – Ivanka – her grandmother, healthy woman, dead. Too suddenly, yeah? Then, Ivanka in parking lot – BOOM – kissing tall, mystery stranger in fedora and trench coat. Who wears fedora anymore?”
Kremlin sources confirmed the absence of the woman in question, a tall, sultry, dark-eyed brunette by the name of Ivanka Pryktop. Pryktop’s presence at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade was corroborated by numerous witnesses, predominantly brothers of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity’s University of Chicago chapter.
“Oh man, that chick was smoking, mad props for my boy, Vlady!” exclaimed sophomore Chad McMillon. “When Vlady’s done getting turnt up on that float, me and the boys are going to be dropping Jägerbombs with him for days, getting tendinitis from fist pumping so damn hard.”
Footage aired on local news stations revealed the Putin double singing a stirring rendition of “Danke Schoen,” followed by a lively performance of the Beatles’ “Twist and Shout” atop a nondescript parade float. The doppelganger was also rumored to have been seen recklessly driving a firebird red Ferrari with Pryktop about the city limits.
“Was president, you see?” Shuvalov concluded. “President kissing Ivanka, president playing – how you say – hooky. Is how it is in this administration.”
When finally reached for comment, Putin delivered an official statement from his personal quarters, where he claimed to have been the entire time.
“Igor [Shuvalov] is – how you say – diamond maker,” Putin grumbled. “You put lump of coal in butthole, two weeks later, then – BAM – diamond.”