LEAKED: The Training NCO Creed

Marine at computer
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Every enlisted recruit learns the “Rifleman’s Creed” at Marine Corps boot camp, but only the best-of-the-best in the Marine Corps — the Training NCOs — are bound by their own creed. This solemn vow has long been kept secret, only revealed to the few who serve their days in an office, stare at spreadsheets, get yelled at by the master sergeant, then drink heavily after leaving work.

This is my training roster. There are many like it, but this one is current.

The training roster is my best friend. It is my life. I must master annual training requirements as I must master all fathomable societal issues.

My roster, without monotonous ongoing training, is useless. Without mastering redundant annual training requirements, I am useless. I must submit my roster more accurately than the other Training NCOs who are trying to screw me. I must screw them before they screw me. I will …

My roster and I know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire, nor the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hours and hours of required annual training that count. We will train ethically…

My roster is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will update it at every opportunity. My company will learn the many ways of prevention, including suicide prevention, sexual assault prevention, violence prevention, ad nauseam. My roster will be clean and ready for submission as we educate the troops on the pitfalls of hazing, sexual harassment, and fraternization. My roster will reflect our mastery of all aspects of safety, we will learn of helmets, gloves, glow belts, We will become part of every policy letter written and rewritten by every commander from the Commandant on down that no one ever reads posted on the read board. We will …

Before the Ops O, I swear this creed. My roster and I are the defenders of ethical standards. We are the masters of Excel spreadsheets. We are the awakeners of the modern warrior spirit.

So be it, until victory is achieved solely in the classroom learning values our parents should have taught us and by never actually going to the field.

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