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Entire Platoon Will Act As Father For Barracks Queen’s Baby

FORT LEWIS, Wash. — Private First Class Vanyetta Kilmeade was feeling very alone and nervous as the prospect of single motherhood quickly approached, but that was before the entire 2nd Platoon graciously agreed to act as a collective father for the baby.

“It’s a huge blessing,” said Kilmeade, “because Mama said I ain’t welcome at home no more since I got a bastard humped into me, and cain’t rightly say who the daddy could be neither.”

She broke down into tears of joy at the thought of all the soldiers of 2nd Platoon volunteering for such an unprecedented act of kindness and charity. The soldiers collected several hundred dollars to help with expenses, set up a “chore schedule” to assist Kilmeade with housework, arranged a babysitting rotation, and even offered to help with lactation therapy.

For their part, her fellow soldiers are humble. They claim to be reacting like any decent platoon who all ran a train on a barracks queen and got her pregnant.

“Oh, yeah, since we all fell in love with PFC Kilmeade at the same time, on the same night, in the same bed,” said Staff Sergeant Belman Hunt, Jr., “we felt like, hey, there’s no way to know which of us is the father, or even if it’s all of us. So we all decided to pitch in.”

“I can shop for baby seats,” Hunt continued. “Donnie can cook like a pro. Mike can sew, so he can repair rips and tears in baby clothes. Madelyn is great at assembling baby stuff like swings and playhouses. Lance does great laundry, can get stains out of anything. And Fat Mike has a voice like a hairy angel, so he can sing the wee baby some kickass lullabyes.”

Kilmeade’s baby is due next month, and she has decided to wait until its birth to discover whether it is a boy or a girl, or indeed human.

“Honestly, it might come out a big ol’ pack of D cells and a blu-ray of Magic Mike,” she confirmed while lighting a cigarette.

DEERS officials have confirmed that 2nd Platoon will have a “Meritorious Babydaddy Citation” conferred upon it backdated nine months from the date of birth. This means any future members of 2nd Platoon may also act as the father of Kilmeade’s baby, although only members who ran the original train on Kilmeade may claim the child as a dependent.

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