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Ex-Wife Funds Wedding Weekend With Your SGLI

LAS VEGAS — Your ex-wife and new husband David Cargill were both spotted yesterday exchanging vows at “A Little White Wedding Chapel” in a Velocity Yellow 2015 Corvette Z06 convertible. Sources confirmed the sports car, along with a five carat diamond ring, size DD silicone breasts, and rhinestone-studded Ed Hardy tuxedo, were all purchased with your lump sum SGLI payment.

You were unavailable for the ceremony due to your untimely death in a gruesome motorcycle accident outside Fort Campbell, Kentucky three months earlier.

However, because you didn’t pay attention in at least a dozen briefings in the past five years when “those fucking meat-gazing POGs were yapping on” about “changing your SGLI or whatever the fuck,” you financed their entire wedding weekend with $400,000 that should have gone to your current, pregnant wife and four children.

“Yeah, I remember that fucking jackass,” your commander told reporters earlier today while rolling his eyes. “He was doing a drunken 120 mph wheelie on his Suzuki Hayabusa in nothing but shorts and flip flops again.”

He informed reporters that you failed to land the wheelie — again — and propelled yourself over the handlebars into oncoming traffic, dying instantly. As it was 3 am and you were not wearing your mandated reflective belt, your mangled and unidentifiable corpse sat on the side of US-41A for three days. It wasn’t until Montgomery County public works, who by chance were collecting road kill, came upon your decomposing torso 3 days later.

“If it wasn’t for the poorly drawn tattooed caricatures of his wife and kids that spanned his entire back he would have ended up in the compost heap with the rest of the animals,” your commander affirmed. “And, quite honestly, I wish he did because it would have saved me a fuck-load of time and paperwork.”

Numerous Elvis impersonators who were witnesses for the nuptials told Duffel Blog the ceremony was “magical.” The groom created a small melee when he threw $1,000 in $1 bills out of the open roof while flashing a custom Yellow Cognac Diamond Grillz. Passersby also heard him shout “I’m rich, bitch!” as he peeled out of the “Tunnel of Love” while giving the officiator the middle finger.

According to the butlers at the Palms Playboy Suite, your ex-wife was stunning in her custom Vera Wang Calla Lily dress with “Bae” airbrushed on it, just like you had always talked about. Also just like you had always talked about, she and Cargill were last seen by tourists consummating their marriage with a extremely attractive and nubile female third party in the Playboy Bunny pool overlooking the city.

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