THE PENTAGON — Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has vowed to uncover the secret identity of the anonymous Army officer known as “Doctrine Man.”
“We’ve assigned a special task force designed to hunt down the Doctrine Man and bring him to justice,” Dempsey said, while motioning to a special “Doctrine Man” signal recently installed in the Pentagon.
Not much is known of the caped superhero, who in years past graced the pages of the New York Times. Some suspect he may be a billionaire defense contractor or perhaps a senior military official.
An origin story has it that Doctrine Man began as a humble doctrine writer at the Center for Army Doctrine Development in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. However, after watching his parents gunned down in front of him by Army officers taking things way too seriously, he vowed to rid the world of pointless Army bullshit.
In the ensuing years, Doctrine Man has foiled several sinister Pentagon plots, including a proposed medal for drone operators, a conspiracy to chapter all Soldiers with tattoos, and most recently, the sinister caper to destroy the A-10 Warthog. In the course of his adventures, Doctrine Man has assembled a veritable rogue’s gallery of anonymous doctrine writers, including the Blue Falcon, the Great Satan, and the Doctrine Dominatrix.
But not all are amused, especially Dempsey: “This military has no place for masked vigilantes,” the general said, before scowling and pointing to a link diagram designed by Palantir.
Public opinion is mixed on the Doctrine Man’s methods, with many feeling his vigilante methods provide a useful service. Indeed, some have even suggested Doctrine Man be promoted to the Army’s highest levels, though the superhero scoffed at that idea.
“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the Army Chief of Staff,” he said.
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