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OPINION: America’s Military Needs Softer, More Stealable PTs

The following is an opinion article written by your girlfriend.

The new Army Physical Training Uniform is slowly rolling out across American military posts and bedroom floors. And I have to say, I’m disappointed at the wasted opportunity. They fit poorly, the colors aren’t stylish, and they might be warm during a five-mile formation run, but they aren’t that warm when I’m walking across campus to get a latte before class. Basically, they’re a trophy no one wants.

America’s girlfriends need softer, fleecier, more stealable PTs. Maybe something from North Face?

The old, gray army shirt had kind of an Urban Outfitters thing going on, but the new one makes me feel like a bumblebee. Not even a sexy bumblebee like last year at Halloween. Joint Chiefs, I’m rolling my eyes at you right now. The less than 1% of Americans who are banging the troops deserve better.

I literally can’t even.

I even filled out that survey for the new PTs, and made very specific suggestions about making the secret pocket large enough for my iPhone, a cropped capri option and cuter winter hats. I don’t think anyone is listening.

Lately, it’s been looking like the Army, the Air Force and the Navy have all taken a page out of the same ugly book. The baggy shorts are impossible, even if I cut out the lining and roll the waist. The wicking shirts look awful layered over leggings. Those jackets with the reflective stripe say “Ugh” to me, not “wear Uggs with me.”

Once I stole a reflective belt out of desperation, because neon is totally in right now.

At least the Navy has taken to totes adorbs bright colors. But then it’s bright yellow, a color that blondes absolutely cannot wear with their skin tone. This makes absolutely no sense and shows how little the navy values its girlfriends in their planning. I don’t know a single blonde that wants to steal that shirt, and sailors love blondes.

While I’m at it, why don’t more units make awesome matchy hoodies? Something cute with like crossed swords or an eagle like the kind from Abercrombie. They’re the best to wear over my gym clothes, and it makes me feel extra special when I have to give it back before formation because it’s the only one he has.

Apparently, PTs are expensive now. It used to be a girl could sneak off with enough “ARMY” shirts for the whole sorority house and no one complained. Now you take just one jacket and it’s all “I have to wear that to work sweetheart please give that back or else we’re not going to Cheesecake Factory on Friday.” Does he have any idea how much Lululemon costs? I’d buy him like four of those jackets for what my new Zumba bag cost, but the stupid Clothing And Sales won’t let me buy the stuff with my daddy’s credit card as the only proof of military status.

My mother’s generation got the soft, gray-white Army PTs. America’s soldiers were so soft to the touch and really put the goods on display. Remember the marshmallow sweats? I have a couple of sets that look great with my “PINK” yoga pants. That was when the military understood girlfriends. I’ve tried the gray-whites, and honestly, I can’t keep my hands off myself when I wear them.

At least the Marine Corps gets it right. The shorts look just as nice on a fit Marine as they look over my bikini. Plus, I always just feel so, you know, safe, when I sleep next to a Marine. Too bad I have to drive to some shitty town in the middle of nowhere just to get my hands on one of those fleeces.

Joint Chiefs, Senior NCOs, think of those who are supporting those who serve. Don’t we deserve better? Do you really want us to look cold and sloppy instead of cute and sloppy? Your after midnight snapchats are on the line.

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