NEW YORK — The Department of Veteran’s Affairs has selected BuzzFeed as its lead partner for a new initiative to clear its backlog of disability claims. The VA and BuzzFeed will form a joint group made up of doctors, psychologists, benefits specialists and dirty hipsters to develop quizzes to diagnose and allocate benefits to the millions of veterans who have been waiting for action since as long ago as the Spanish American War.
“Our end goal is to provide veterans a simple method to help them determine their disability rating,” Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald announced during an appearance at BuzzFeed offices. “The process saves time for both the veteran and the VA by streamlining a process that, for some, takes far too long, even for old SF guys like me.”
BuzzFeed is a popular internet site known for quizzes such as “Which Disney Princess Are You?” and “Which Method Of Killing Infidels Matches Your Love Of The Prophet (PBUH)?”
BuzzFeed CEO Jonah Peretti told reporters, “By digitally signing an authorization, your DD-214 will be uploaded into the system, and we will pull your MOS, duty and deployment locations, time served in combat, friend list, credit rating, political affiliation and various other information blocks. Then by answering a short series of questions, the quiz will then be able to calculate the disability rating of the veteran in the usual way of issuing you a percentage.”
Duffel Blog was given access to some of the results from a beta test being conducted now involving a random test group of veterans.
Pvt. Bruce Nash somehow received a minus 10%, marking him as an irredeemable shit beak and is now under investigation for stolen valor. Col. Leland Reese received a mere 10%. His mediocre disability rating was attributed to too many trips to the soft serve ice cream machine at the D-FAC on Al Asad.
Petty Officer 3rd Class Mack Lewis received 20% due to hearing loss. BuzzFeed automatically posted to his Facebook wall warning all of his friends that any “war stories” he told were full of shit unless they started with the words “So there I was in the chow line…”
Sr. Airman Kurt Potter received a 40% rating for carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, both elbows, and erectile dysfunction. Lance Cpl. Clint Gibbs received 90%. He is basically a vegetable and tried to fill out the online quiz with a crayon. After a few minutes, an online VA rep was called in to input an administrative code to award his rating.
Each service member was then examined by the usual method, and the disability scores matched up more than 96% of the time. The 4% error rate was a result of test subjects dying while waiting for the live examination portion of the trial.
The VA and BuzzFeed hope to have the system up fully operational by the end of the month.