Facebook Convinced You Should Be Friends with Your Sgt. Maj.
PALO ALTO, Calif. — The algorithm that powers the Facebook social network is absolutely convinced that you would like to add your sergeant major and numerous staff officers to your friends list, sources confirmed Wednesday.
“It’s pretty clear that you know each other pretty well,” said Matt Park, a Facebook engineer at the company’s headquarters in Palo Alto, Calif. “Honestly, it’s kind of surprising that you guys haven’t linked up already.”
In fact, according to a data file generated by Facebook, 32 people you know have already digitally consummated their relationship with Terry Miller, your Battalion’s Command Sergeant Major.
Listed in an incredible amount of data in the file, your digital leavings point to how you and Miller have many major and minor similarities to each other including a common employer, similar taste in politically-oriented memes and an interest in similar motorcycles. Indeed, just last week you were at the same location of Buffalo Wild Wings within an hour of each other and were tagged in a photo together at an awards ceremony.
According to Park, “A wide world of opportunities await you if you become friends with Miller.” In addition to “gaining special insight about your political opinions, food choices, and strenuous workouts,” Miller will gain a better understanding of where you were last night before you arrived to PT in an inebriated state.
Miller can also send you daily Candy Crush Saga invitations, a game that unbeknownst to you he enjoys just as much as you do, Facebook data reveals, especially during Safety Stand-down Days.
“Persistence is going to be the key in getting the two of you to become Facebook friends,” said Park. “Data doesn’t lie. If we show you Miller’s picture every time you log in, eventually you’ll find the time to friend request him. I’m sure that you’ve just been busy the other 20 times we made recommendation and you didn’t click on it.”
Sources have disclosed that although you were not interested in seeing pictures of Miller in a swimsuit from a recent vacation with his children, whose humanizing faces you also do not wish to see, a nebulous web of etiquette has clouded the situation for Miller.
“I wasn’t going to accept a friend invitation from him,” said Miller. “But I do think it’s strange that he hasn’t asked me yet. Hell, I’ve put guys in the brig who sent me a request. He really needs to work on his networking skills. He’ll never survive on the outside.”