Conservatives Invited To A Weekend Of Burning Shit For Just $50k
DETROIT — Following conservative PAC ForAmerica’s sellout of their “Special Weekend with Robert O’Neill, the Man who Shot Osama bin Laden” event, top contributors who responded too late are being offered “A Special Weekend With Our Military’s Malingerers,” with the highlight of the event allowing attendees to burn feces in 55 gallon drums.
“Our event will consist of a number of activities befitting of these semi-patriots who were disappointed after they missed the O’Neill event,” said ForAmerica director Ned Freeman. “Were they on the ball, to help take back the America I love from left wing socialist conspirators? Maybe not. But they are with us now.”
Due to time constraints, the hastily planned fete will be held this upcoming weekend on heavily industrialized and former Native American burial ground Zug Island. At the confluence of the Rouge and Detroit River, the veritable wasteland offers picturesque views of coking trains and hazardous waste disposal sites to mirror the "hopeless, filthy, and deceivingly pernicious" environments our service-members work in every day.
Duffel Blog obtained a copy of the agenda containing at least a dozen realistic activities that run the gamut of the warrior experience. They are tailored to any skill level and cleverly bracketed according to donation level and branch of the military.
The "Airman" level is for a thoughtful donation of less than $1,000 that barely keeps the lights on for five minutes at the ForAmerica headquarters. "It's not cheap to be a shining beacon for the country," Freeman says. "It burns a lot of dinosaurs."
Aspiring jingoists can experience the hardship of the Air Force by waiting in a long line at the shopette, having their scrambled eggs slightly burned, or enduring the inconvenience of running out of starch for their uniforms.
For any helpful yet empty monetary gesture over $1,000 but less than $20,000, the "Sailor" experience is where quasi-flag-wavers can holystone a mockup of the deck of a 19th century ship, paint random items gray, and install notional hidden cameras in notional women's showers.
And finally, for the truly hardcore but financially inadequate countryman who ponied up at the $50,000 level but missed the deadline for O'Neill, the "Grunt" experience covers every facet of the hard charging soldier and Marine: delousing, picking up cigarette butts, draining cellulitis sores, separating grass and leaves from the empty brass, and CIF equipment turn-in. "Our war on effete liberalism is exciting. But we wanted to bring a touch of actual warfare to the event," Freeman said.
"At the conclusion, we'll celebrate the end of our crucible by handing out a few cases of near beer and burning all of our lithium batteries and human excrement in 55 gallon drums," Bozell said. "Just like the other 99.9999% of service members who did not kill Osama bin Laden have to do 'over there.'"