SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — Four Marine privates completely “lost their shit” this weekend when they met who they believed was a member of the U.S. Army’s elite Delta Force at the local Buffalo Wild Wings, sources confirmed.
Marine Staff Sgt. Randall Hoss, who is on temporary duty to Fort Huachuca and hasn’t cut his hair in two weeks, decided to go along with the privates’ assumption after bumming a smoke from them.
"I told them I couldn't say much, because Delta had surveillance on me to make sure I didn't get drunk and tell anyone about my status," said Hoss. "Then I showed them my appendix scar and said it was from being stabbed by Taliban."
The privates reveled in the mystery of the Marine-esque, slightly out of shape stranger with the bad hair cut and five-o-clock shadow, and questioned him about Delta selection, the Bin Laden raid, and how legit "Call of Duty" is.
According to sources, Hoss fed the privates bullshit for an hour while he smoked their cigarettes, and then retired to his hotel to peruse the miscellaneous romance section of Craigslist on the hotel's free wifi.
"I think it's my responsibility to fill their little heads with mystery and excitement," said Hoss. "And besides, what the fuck do they know about Delta?"
At press time, three of the privates had mentioned their encounter on their Facebook page, and Hoss had been ripped off by a local prostitute.
The fourth private is reading this article and just realized Duffel Blog is a cover for Delta.