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General Misses Division Review Racked Out At Sick Call

FORT RILEY, Kan. — The 1st Infantry Division’s new commanding general is under intense scrutiny this week after missing the division review in his honor, sources report. Maj. Gen. Wayne W. Grigsby Jr. reportedly told his commander he was “really, really ill” and at sick call, sources say.

Grigsby, who replaced Maj. Gen. Paul Funk III this past Thursday at the top position in the Army’s oldest serving infantry division, was seen by numerous witnesses limping to sick call after half-heartedly grabbing his leg and yelling “My hammy!” in the first 100 meters of a 10k division change of command run earlier that morning.

After nearly three hours, a senior NCO found him at the aid station with his head tilted back, mouth agape, snoring while all 4,000 soldiers under his command were standing at parade rest on the blazing hot Custer Parade Field.

“Any time I see a piece of shit racked out at sick call I come up behind them, violently shake them awake, and ask them who their commander is,” said the division’s Sustainment Brigade Command Sgt. Maj. Stephen Harris, who stops by sick call seven days a week to berate and shame soldiers for malingering. “When he said [III Corps Commander] Lt. Gen. McFarland I thought it was some turd-lifer Specialist fucking with me.”

“Turns out it was not.”

After speaking with several soldiers who served with Grigsby at previous commands, it seems that this is not the first time he has “missed” parades with last-minute injuries.

“When [Grigsby] was getting ready to leave Djibouti, he was purportedly attacked by a congress of Hamadryas baboons and unable to attend his change of command,” says an unnamed source, who served with Grigsby at multiple duty stations. “And back when he was Aide-de-Camp to the Commander of XVIII Airborne Corps he always seemed to ‘burn-in’ on a jump right before the ‘All-American Week’ parade.”

The source also indicated that Grigsby received a purple heart for his injuries in Africa.

In light of the accusations, 1st Infantry Division’s Deputy Commanding General Brig. Gen. John Kolasheski issued a statement to members of the media to “quell petty rumors” and “lend [his] full support to Grigsby.”

“I have been made aware of the general’s injury and wish him a full recovery,” Kolasheski said. “Although he couldn’t actually produce the sick call slip or remember the doctor who treated him he assured me that it’s ‘completely legit,’ and, to his critics, that he ‘would have been a Delta Operator but has this thing with his leg that you totally wouldn’t understand because you don’t know.'”

Duffel Blog investigative reporter Maxx Butthurt also contributed to this report.

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