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Navy Cook Perfects Recipe For Burnt Pancakes

NORFOLK, Va. — Culinary Spc. Seaman Reggie Watkins has absolutely nailed how to burn a pancake, much to the delight of the crew of USS Anzio (CG-68).

Watkins mastered the art of burning pancakes after being onboard just two months, sources say. “I pour the batter on the grill and wait until I see smoke,” Watkins told reporters. “I wait some more, then flip it. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it.”

Cooks celebrated Watkins’ accomplishment by serving too little food to the crew and throwing bags of leftovers overboard.

“Watkins is a quick learner,” Culinary Spc. 1st Class Lucy Lewis said. “Sure, they taught him how to cook poorly in school, but the fleet is where you really learn the skills you need to succeed in a fast-paced kitchen serving food that prisoners would reject.”

According to sources, most food is sent to ships pre-cooked and frozen, and just needs to be heated up in the oven. Sadly, the practice has put pressure on Navy cooks to find creative ways to ruin food.

“Breakfast is where we make the most mistakes,” Lewis said. “Burnt pancakes aren’t any good unless they’re topped with cold syrup. If you don’t have to force the ladle into the syrup it’s too hot.”

“They go great with the runny scrambled eggs and breakfast rice,” she added.

Lewis says that if Watkins keeps this up she’ll move him up to the omelette station. There, sailors can request omelettes with specific toppings, where cooks then create one without anything the sailor asked for.

“It’s where we send our best cooks,” Lewis said. “If he keeps improving we might send him to the squadron’s contest for best terrible cook.”

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