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Dempsey Unable To Retire Until CIF Signs Off On Missing Canteen

WASHINGTON — Despite Gen. Martin Dempsey having a retirement ceremony last week, the Army Central Issue Facility (CIF) has refused to clear him due to unreturned issue items and has delayed his retirement indefinitely, Duffel Blog has learned.

“The big gen’ral (sic) hasn’t turned in his aluminum canteen from 1979 or his medical kit from 1985,” CIF clerk Joe Buckley told reporters, noting that having a four-star rank is no exception. “After inflation, the total charges due are about $1,040,000, but the big gen’ral refuses to pay.”

Senior defense officials said Dempsey has so far taken the news in stride, confiding to reporters that the general has been seen outside of his garage spraying down a rucksack and a number of items with a garden hose.

“They also kicked back half of my unused equipment for being too dirty,” Dempsey said. “And I’ll never find the canteen. After checking General Jackson’s and all the surplus stores, they didn’t have anything from the 1900’s.”

Still, Buckley and other clerks at CIF are indifferent to the general’s plight. The Central Issue Facility, better known as CIF — or as soldiers call it, Satan’s Asshole — has rigorous standards for returned equipment, and can levy pay in cases where gear is brought back that is not up to par.

“We can write him a statement of charges, but they’ll dock it from his retirement pay,” Buckley told reporters, while loading another box of returned CIF gear into an incinerator. “I told big gen’ral to ask his friends if they had an extra ’79 canteen, but these disrespectful soldiers don’t care enough to take advice.”

Since Dempsey has already stepped down as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but refuses to accept the charges, he has been reassigned as a staff planner for 1st Infantry Division until his retirement paperwork is stamped by CIF.

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