DECATUR, Ill. — Local mom Terri Owens was all smiles today as she walked around her employer’s office sharing the news that, judging by a photo recently posted on her son’s Facebook account, her son Pfc. Jacob Owens is likely the most recent recipient of the nation’s highest military decoration.
“Can you believe it?” she asked anyone who would listen, while repeatedly pointing at the freshly printed low resolution photo of her son. “That’s my Jakey, right there with all his Marine buddies and all those generals,” she noted, mistaking a picture from a recent regimental picnic for a lavish Medal of Honor reception on the front lawn of the White House.
The photo, taken by Jacob’s friend during the daylong mandatory fun event celebrating the regiment’s return from Kuwait, showed little more than the start of Jacob’s shift serving beverages to the spouses of the unit’s senior officers. “I didn’t even know he was back in the country yet,” she added.
In spite of the fact that the picture contained no evidence whatsoever that the President, the Secretary of Defense, or any of the Joint Chiefs of Staff were within 1,000 miles of the event, Mrs. Owens shook her head in wonder as she envisioned President Obama delivering a Medal of Honor citation replete with numerous examples of her son's heroic exploits in the midst of combat with an overwhelming force of ruthless jihadists.
Though initially surprised that "a boy who once peed his pants in fright during the Fourth of July" would come home a genuine American hero, Mrs. Owen's co-workers offered nothing but their unyielding and irrational validation.
Doug Powers, an avid History Channel aficionado and veteran of the local Civil Air Patrol, provided his expertise in confirming that Mrs. Owen's son had, in fact, received the Medal of Honor.
"That's it right there, you know the blue one with all the white, red, and yellow stripes," he declared while jabbing his finger repeatedly at the Global War on Terrorism Service Medal pinned on Jacob's uniform. "Isn't that something?" he added, ignorant of the fact that earning such an award was about as difficult as getting a participation trophy in the Decatur youth soccer tournament.
Notified of the uproar back home, Jacob wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "I mean, that's my mom for you. Yellow ribbons around the trees, flags in every room in the house, and a stupid 'SMPR FI' custom license plate on the back of her Chrysler Sebring," he said nearing the end of his patience. "All that and she still doesn't understand that I'm actually a supply clerk who spent my time in Kuwait just playing Xbox and jerking off."