ISIS Blames Suicide Bomber Life Insurance For Financial Woes
AL-RAQQAH, Syria — The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the so-called caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program.
“In retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors,” said Mohammad Anwar, a spokesman for ISIS.
The SBGLI program was implemented as part of a benefits package for ISIS militants, which also includes health insurance, annual leave, and a prayer rug allowance. The SBGLI program provides payouts to surviving beneficiaries of militants who blast themselves into pink mist amidst a crowd of infidels.
The payout is compounded for militants with multiple surviving wives, as each wife receives the full benefit instead of a fractional amount. The policy's sustainability is a source of concern among senior ISIS leadership.
"I mean, each militant is already set to receive seventy-two virgins upon their glorious entrance into the afterlife," said Anwar. "Do their five surviving wives really need a total of seventy-five goats among them? Is the prospect of their deceased husband deflowering seventy-two virgins for eternity not comfort enough?"
The costs of the SBGLI program have had a snowball effect, leading to an international goat shortage and skyrocketing prices. ISIS is currently hemorrhaging financial resources in order to meet payout requirements, and is proposing a reduction in benefits in order to maintain the program's solvency.
"Perhaps two goats and three chickens," offered Anwar.
The proposed reduction in benefits is not sitting well with ISIS militants. At press time, many ISIS militants were seen prematurely blowing themselves up in protest.