Joe Biden Criticized For Praising Snowden
WASHINGTON — As the nation’s capital continues to dig out from Winter Storm Jonah, Vice President Joe Biden has come under fire for apparently praising Edward Snowden in comments he reportedly made while inspecting the cleanup in a Vienna neighborhood. Sources claim the vice president told a young girl, “I really like that Snowden,” as he chatted with her on the sidewalk.
As the controversy explodes, Biden adamantly claims his words were directed towards a small child’s spontaneous street-side igloo — a “snow den, not a Snowden!” —and not the man who leaked troves of classified information. Presidential candidates in both parties were quick to jump on the issue.
Hillary Clinton, in an appeal to moderate voters, issued a statement attacking both Edward Snowden and Joe Biden for his "reckless" support of endangering classified information. Ted Cruz, while giving no official comment, was overheard claiming he wished he could "carpet bomb the White House" in response to the incident. Donald Trump tweeted an unusually short statement, "LOL."
Those already in office are also criticizing the vice president.
"To me," said Sen. John McCain (R-Az.), "it's just shameful. It's simply a shame that a man in his position would smear our nation and our national security by praising someone who could only be described as a traitor and menace to society."
Biden has been responding to criticism all day from the cul-de-sac where the impromptu snow fort still stands.
"Seriously guys, look," Biden said, pointing to a selfie of him standing next to a lopsided ice structure on Instagram. "It's right here. I just thought this young lady did a great job building this den. Out of snow. Could we just be reasonable about this?"
After hours of talking with the media, Biden reportedly threw up his arms in disbelief and gesticulated wildly at the small snow structure, before becoming overwhelmed and stomping off to Number One Observatory Circle.
At the White House, Press Secretary Josh Earnest went on the record to say that the Obama administration would "seriously investigate this issue and reflect on how [they] will handle events like this in the future." They also reaffirmed that the White House was unified in its abhorrence of Top Secret leaks, as long as they are not by current Democratic party presidential front-runners.