Federal Agencies Solve Veteran Unemployment Problem By Linking To USAJobs
WASHINGTON — Federal agencies have taken what administration officials are calling “bold, decisive strides” to hire more veterans by adding a “Careers for veterans” section their websites with a link to USAJobs.gov.
“We provide veterans all the opportunities in the world,” Department of State spokesman John Kirby said. “All they have to do is search for our specific keywords and job series numbers, which we plan to provide in FY18 if we get funding.”
“If they can’t filter through five hundred results that require experience at the G-12 level to find positions they’d be qualified for, that’s on them,” Kirby added. “We even streamline the process by including dozens of positions paying $9 an hour in Germany.”
USAJobs shows all job postings available in the federal government. Preference is given to veterans so they can apply and get hired a short ten months later. The website FedsHireVets gives tips for veterans to format their resume to the proper thirty pages, but only after providing proof that the veterans registered for Selective Service when they turned 18.
It also includes a quiz for veterans to test their knowledge of government hiring procedures for those who didn’t think the hiring process was condescending enough.
“Our hiring process is simple for those with experience with a Kafka-esque bureaucracy,” said General Services Administration Spokesman Daniel Cruz. “It takes long time to figure out because time is money and we want our workers to prove their dedication before they’re even hired. Once hired, they are hired for life, so we can’t afford to choose slackers. It does a great job.”
White House Spokesman Josh Earnest says the administration is doing more than creating another insanely complicated web-based labyrinth. “We are also partnering with several industries by giving them tax incentives to hire veterans,” Earnest noted. “We will add a page to our site helping veterans apply to these private companies. Our page will become active months after all the positions are filled.”
There are several other programs to help hire veterans. Some offer exciting opportunities like pizza delivery driver while others take each veteran’s skills into account to report that no opportunities are available. All hiring agencies are kind enough to keep veteran’s phone numbers on file so they can receive scam texts from bots.
The White House declined to comment on reports that USAjobs.gov has been taken over by Chinese hackers.