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STUDY: Mobile Porn Sites Work Better On Chapel WiFi

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SOUTHWEST ASIA — A recent study kept secret by CENTCOM shows that mobile porn sites work best on the base chapel’s wifi, sources have confirmed.

According to the joint-service team of researchers, the chapel wifi provides a faster and more consistent streaming capability to users of PornHub, xVideos, and other popular adult websites. Two groups of 45 males and 5 females were monitored to determine whether identical phones could better stream pornographic videos via mobile hotspots or the chapel’s wifi.

“The results seemed to show fairly consistently that porn sites load and stream more smoothly using the chapel’s wireless network than a personal wifi puck,” says Sr. Airman Ronald Jeremiah, a Scientific Applications Specialist who is part of the research team. “Sometimes the wifi pucks performed better but we attribute that to how many users besides our teams were streaming from the chapel.”

“However, we ran the numbers, and at least 65% of the time, the chapel wifi was able to stream more data per second, resulting in less pauses for buffering and an a more consistent, pleasant experience.”

CENTCOM classified the study, despite its being done entirely in the name of science, because its very existence has sparked outrage in the military and civilian community. Several base chaplains and network administrators are being questioned for “allowing so many perverted muscleheads watch their smut in God’s house,” according to a civilian contractor on-base who wishes to remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, visits to mental health clinics have skyrocketed in the past days since the study was leaked.

“Some of the deployed military folks who have used the chapel’s wifi to stream porn are overcome with guilt and are now fearing eternal damnation,” says Army Sgt. 1st Class Mandy Vega, who knows several of the soldiers involved. “But they’re too ashamed to go to the chaplain to confess or get counseling, and it’s driving them crazy, so the only place they can go is to the shrink.”

Chapel attendance has simultaneously plummeted since the study was revealed, but this is probably just a coincidence.

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