WASHINGTON — Sources across the Army say that every command sergeant major nationwide has put base gyms on their respective units’ off-limits list, just hours after it was announced that earbuds could be worn by soldiers while exercising there.
According to Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey, the unilateral and completely uncoordinated decision of nearly 1,200 battalion and brigade level sergeants major came as a complete surprise. He admits that, while completely unrelated to the earbud policy, the enforcement of a policy that completely negates the new regulations may look suspicious to outsiders, but is completely unrelated.
“I haven’t had a chance to speak with specific units yet, but there could be any number of perfectly valid reasons these policies were put into place,” Dailey said in a press conference. “I am confident in the abilities of my fellow sergeants major to make appropriate, fact-based decisions devoid of personal preferences, based on their unit-specific circumstances.”
“No examples come to mind,” he added, “but if there is one thing sergeants major are known for, it is taking care of soldiers, even if it means eliminating dozens of potentially superior alternatives or supplementary exercises to the pushup, sit-up, and two-mile run.”
Several others echoed Dailey’s denial of collusion to stop soldiers using earbuds, though they did admit working together to stop soldiers from using the gym, but for completely different reasons.
“Have you ever been in one of those places?” said an anonymous Fort Carson, Co. based battalion sergeant major. “It is filled with cockamamie contraptions that, quite frankly, frighten me. Where some people see humans trying to achieve peak performance, all I see are people giving God, and consequently senior NCOs, the middle finger.”
The anonymous soldier, who has been on [performance level 3] profile and the Army Weight Control Program since 1997, told reporters he wouldn’t be the man he is today without storied exercises like the “Monkey Fucking A Football,” “Dirty Dog,” and weekly 12-mile road marches with a 50 pound ruck.
“And don’t even get me started on all of the malingering I see between ‘scientifically proven’ rest periods,” he added. “The last thing the huns of North Korea and Iran care about is ‘science’ and they sure as shit don’t care about your ‘VO2 max.'”
In related news, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley nearly launched an official inquiry into the banning of gyms Army-wide, but was quickly dissuaded after Dailey told him to “stay out of NCO business.”