GUANTANAMO BAY – A Naval Emergency Response Team is working to clean up the fitness center at Naval Station Guantanamo Bay, after the facility was evacuated because levels of Axe body spray reached lethally high levels.
Eight service members were taken to the base hospital in critical condition while 20 others escaped with only mild burns in an “X” pattern across their chests. Base officials said that the outbreak occurred after an abnormally high influx of third class petty officers.
“Normally, our sophisticated HVAC systems filter out all types of impurities associated with junior enlisted,” said Cdr. Mike Green, GTMO’s facilities manager. “Axe, Skoal residue, Monster vapor, you name it.”
“But when the USS Wasp (LHD-1) pulled in this morning unexpectedly, we failed to adjust our filtration settings. Before we knew it, hundreds of twenty-three year-olds sauntered into the gym with shaker bottles and sleeve tattoos they can’t afford. We only had time to upgrade our Vaginal Moisture Condition (VAGCON) level from ‘Humid’ to ‘Danger Dry.’”
Once the system detected the elevated levels of Axe, it activated an alarm which allowed most to escape safely. Others were not as fortunate. Petty Officer 3rd Class Kurt Stinson was doing a set of bicep curls in his Salt Life tank top when one of his shipmates fell to the ground and started foaming at the mouth.
“I thought he was just having an ‘N.O. X-plosion,’” said Stinson, referring to the convulsions that the popular pre-workout supplement can induce. “But then that alarm went off like we were having a main space fire drill. That shit was louder than my Linkin Park playlist! I was expecting my limp-dick XO to kick down the door with his clipboard and red hat.”
Navy first responders stood outside the building thumbing through their 26 volume SOP for chemical response while hundreds of service members flooded the parking lot helplessly coughing and rubbing their eyes. Volunteers arrived with beef jerky and cigarettes to hand out to the shell-shocked sailors and Marines.
“This serves as a real wake-up call for our folks,” said Capt. Curt A. Coster, commanding officer of the Wasp. “During our last port call in Colombia, a dozen prostitutes were hospitalized after a group of our petty officers rolled into their brothel smelling like a bunch of seventh graders after gym class. We developed an Axe cessation program onboard, but it just hasn’t gained any traction yet.”