PENTAGON — Defense Department Officials announced in a press conference on Wednesday, that starting next month, grooming standards will be relaxed to give balding military members “one last go at it.”
“It’s similar to other initiatives to help transitioning service members,” said Peter Cook, Defense Department Spokesman. “They shouldn’t have to wait until they get out to find out if they can grow gorgeous locks. By then it’s too late.”
The decision came about after a recent internal review. Observers called the review “surprising,” because it actually confirmed the existence of benefits to the standards. Nonetheless, the review was reportedly thrown in the trash almost immediately by Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh, whom People magazine last year described as “thinning on top.”
A waiver process will go into effect at the beginning of next month and could see up to 50,000 embarrassed applicants. To be eligible, Officers and Enlisted members will have to prove that they are both balding and overtly insecure.
“I’ve done three tours in Iraq, two in Afghanistan and received two purple hearts and I’ve never been more scared than I am now,” says Chief Petty Officer Philip Aran, a balding Navy Seal stationed in Norfolk, VA.
“I’m going through a mid-life crisis right now and not all of us can afford a sports car,” says Major Jeff Rybinski of the 174th Infantry Brigade at Fort Dix, NJ and a shoo-in for the waiver. “Some of us are in debt up to our hairline and this is a great opportunity to ignore the pleading advice of our wives and grow long patchy hair one more time.”
The biggest push back to the policy change comes from service members that are already completely bald. They have come out in opposition saying that unless hair pieces are provided for those who need it, the policy would be discriminating.
In the past Gen Welsh has indicated his desires to grow a long rock-star hairstyle just one time before its too late. Unfortunately defense analysts and the loud guy at the barbershop agree that his “hair is likely to retire before he does.”
During the same press conference announcing the change of policy, it was also reaffirmed that douchbag hipster beards were still “definitely not fucking allowed.”
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