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OPINION: The UCMJ Ban on Threesomes is Fucking Bullshit

The following is an op-ed by Maj. Thark Momson*, USMC

I joined the Marine Corps to fight for those not strong enough to fight for themselves.  Some battles are with bullets — I spent my time in Iraq.  Some battles are with words in the classroom — something I learned as an instructor at the Naval Academy.  And some great evils can only be fought with my dick, like the UCMJ ban on threesomes.

Some people might let this great injustice stand, but I fight it. When others run away, I run toward the sound of danger. I joined the Marines so that I could stand up for the little guy, or two. I may be on trial for fraternization and harassment, but what’s really on trial here is the system.

Why would the UCMJ ban threesomes, or all group sex for that matter? How is doggy-style or cowgirl (including reverse) less prejudicial to good order and discipline than a carefully executed Eiffel tower? These laws are not only outdated, they encourage the wrong values.  Orchestrating a threesome is both an art and a science. It takes planning, logistics, and attention to detail. It takes teambuilding, not just management. Aren’t these the kinds of skills and values we want to encourage in the military?

Mentorship is a delicate line between superior and friend. Spiritual guidance and career advice can take different forms.  One officer might meet a mentor over lunch. Another might invite their mentee’s hot roommate to the clam slam. It’s more of an art than a science, and the current UCMJ doesn’t reflect what we might need to do in the line of duty.

What is America, if not the land of opportunity? Two cars in every garage, two chickens in every pot. If I can make it two chicks in my bed, the military shouldn’t stop me.

*A pseudonym. Maj. Momson has not been convicted of anything.

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4 months 10 days ago

If Oreo can have a double-stuffed, then so can I…

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