NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN — The US Navy is conducting a search and rescue operation after a Naval Academy Midshipman went missing from the USS Roosevelt (DDG 80) Saturday. Midshipman 1st Class Benjamin Davis disappeared only four days after beginning his summer cruise aboard the destroyer.
Initial evidence strongly suggests that Davis was consumed by the ship’s vacuum toilet system.
"After Ben didn't show up for his 1600 wardroom etiquette class, we all got very worried," said Roosevelt's commanding officer, Cdr. Sean Fitzgerald. "After searching his stateroom, we found his cell phone sitting next to the toilet with recent selfies of him '#droppingsomedepthcharges.' I immediately ordered that all the plumbing onboard be secured. Hopefully we acted quickly enough."
The ship's sewage system feeds into a central macerator which grinds all disposed matter into a "shit slurry," according to Petty Officer 1st Class Wayne Griffin.
"No way that little pissant made it to the deuce dicer," said Griffin. "That system is more sensitive than female berthing. And I'm always pulling their bloody rags outta the pipes. So yeah, he's stuck in there alright, like Augustus fucking Gloop trying to get to the fudge room."
The search party hopes to narrow down the location of Davis by monitoring the sewage pipes for the service academy signature "ring knocking."
"Ben loved wearing his class ring, luckily," said Fitzgerald. "He was always ring knocking all the petty officers and telling them how worthless they are. He's such a promising young officer. But I know he couldn't resist the swift pull of the vacuum system on his taint. He got too close to it this time. I just hope we find him before the chiefs finish the evening meal."