JACKSONVILLE, Fl. — Sources at the 4th Amphibious Assault Battalion report that Marine Sgt. Nick McAlister, who recently left active duty, cannot tolerate the astonishingly high morale of his new reserve unit.
“What the hell do these sons of bitches think is going on here?” he asked, citing the positive reaction the reserve Marines all gave when they were informed of the 15-mile hike taking place on the following morning.
“There has not been one devil dog complaining about anything in this smoke pit all day,” the 26-year old Florida native said, becoming visibly distressed. “For fuck’s sake, I corrected a kid this morning for walking with his hands in his pockets and he thanked me for making him a better Marine.”
“There was not a hint of irony his voice.”
Other Marines in the unit are enthused about the situation.
“I wish that every weekend was drill weekend,” Lance Cpl. Michael Miles, a four-year veteran of the amphibious assault unit, says. “It’s great here, we get to exercise, eat MRE’s, shoot guns, and my wife doesn’t yell at me while I’m here.”
As he gleefully scrubbed away at the splashed urine from behind the toilet, Miles continued, “Getting to do this every day, those active duty folk don’t even know how good they have it.”
“I really have no idea what’s going on with that new sergeant though,” he said. “All I did was ask him for a recommendation on which book I should read next on the Commandant’s Reading List and he sent me outside to fill sandbags. I wasn’t looking for a reward.”
Sources indicate that McAlister has been becoming increasingly disturbed by the positive, can-do attitude. “They just about ran each other over, trying to get outside when I asked for volunteers for a police-call earlier. And what the fuck are they all smiling about? We spent three hours in formation this morning.”
“I need to get the hell out of here before I turn into one of these people.”
UPDATE: Since this story first appeared, McAlister has declined further comment because he was busy humming the Marine Corps Hymn while applying Brasso to the bathroom sink.