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Critics say Admiral lobbying for world’s largest warship ‘compensating for something’

NORFOLK, Va. — Critics of Rear Adm. Richard Petit suggest the admiral “might be compensating for something,” after the officer has waged an extraordinary campaign for the Navy to commission the world’s largest warship.

“We need bigger warships if the American people expect us to stand firm against our adversaries.” said Petit, the Commander of Carrier Strike Group 10, in a speech he made last week to the crew of the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN-69). “At the very least we must continue to demonstrate that our Navy is bigger than China’s.”

Petit’s critics and advocates of responsible defense spending are starting to wonder if there is a deeper issue here.

“As the old adage goes, ‘when a politician’s wife cheats, the Navy upgrades their fleet,'” says Washington-based defense analyst Harry Martin. “But it’s not a joke when we see that type of rashness coming from within Navy leadership.”

“And besides, it’s not about the size of your Navy, it’s how you use it.”

The news is especially surprising with the completion of USS Zumwalt (DDG-1000) this month. The Zumwalt, the Navy’s newest and most sophisticated destroyer, was finished at a total cost of $4.4 billion and was “supposed to make a lot of admirals and politicians feel secure about themselves,” according to sources.

Fellow admirals and political leaders are outraged by the criticism and insist that all warships are commissioned strictly for reasons of national security.

“We need ships that can satisfy any war zone,” Petit remarked in his speech. “We simply must achieve Naval Superiority. And that means, we need the biggest, beamiest ship the world’s navies have ever launched.”

Growth in the Navy’s average ship size has increased in recent decades, which critics point out has coincides with the expansion of the internet. As a tool for sharing of information, but primarily pornography, and the internet has helped create unrealistic expectations, according to many psychologists. Studies conducted by MIT and Brazzers show that the correlation between pornography and U.S. naval expansion is “definitely not a coincidence, if you know what we mean.”

Several military leaders, including Assistant Secretary of the Navy Hugh Johnson, agree that the Navy’s allocation of warships is becoming excessive and that Petit is compensating.

“You shouldn’t have to pay an obscene amount of money to feel comfortable about your body,” says Johnson. “My mother told me that the first time I went to Amsterdam back in college. This time I think we should listen.”

Capt. Barry Meyers, Commanding Officer of the USS San Jacinto, also attended Small’s speech yesterday and reportedly “broke down in tears, and was racked with insecurity over his small cruiser.”

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