SAN DIEGO – Military officials confirmed that at least 15 Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard members were arrested this evening by the San Diego police at the Pacific Beach Shore Club. The arrests occurred after a joint substance abuse stand down disintegrated into a raucous display of drunken arguments, beer pong, and flip cup.
Police were called after a Navy SEAL threw a flashbang into the men’s bathroom so he could allegedly “shit in peace.”
“We initially got everyone together to address the alarmingly high number of alcohol incidents we’ve seen onboard the bases these past few weeks,” said Marine Sgt. Maj. Jeff Novak, the stand down’s coordinator.
In one instance at the Marine Corps Recruiting Depot, a staff sergeant sent a drunk text to 13 female recruits which read, “plz send me pics of ur boobies so i can finish ur breast exam waivers.”
At Naval Air Station North Island, military police have issued 57 DUIs in the past three weeks. A petty officer was arrested for “brinking and driving,” which carries an additional sodomy offense.
“I reached out to my counterparts in the area,” said Novak. “We decided that we needed to get folks together to put an end to this. But we needed input from all paygrades without fear of repercussion. And there’s no better way to loosen people up than throwing back a few vodka Red Bull slushies at the Shore Club!”
Witnesses say that the meeting started off productively with many attendees offering constructive solutions. Things began to go south when a Coast Guard ensign suggested that the NEX should cap the amount of alcohol that Marines can buy at one time because “they don’t leave enough for the rest of us.”
“I’ll drink as much as I damn well please, you puddle pirate POG!” shouted a Marine corporal in response. “You just be grateful that me and my brothers provide a blanket of freedom for you to fuck your fat, ugly wife under!”
After the corporal was restrained, the meeting rapidly devolved into a debaucherous round-robin tournament of drinking games and other “dick measuring contests.” Novak “slam dunked” the final shot of the championship beer pong game, causing all the Marines present to start chanting “USA! USA! USA!”
Local police issued summonses for seven counts of drunk and disorderly conduct, five counts of indecent exposure, and three counts of animal cruelty.
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