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DoD regrets using virtual reality headsets for SHARP training

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense may is already regretting its deployment of Samsung Gear virtual reality (VR) headsets for its online sexual harassment/assault response prevention training course, sources say,after reports that trainees have been “enjoying the training a little too much.”

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph F. Dunford, Jr., says the mandatory training “might be a little too realistic to be effective” with the VR equipment.

”With scenarios that put the member in situations where they must control themselves, the training has proven to be a bit too tempting for those with weak self control,” Dunford said.

“Ah shit I touched the boob again,” said Chief of Regional Training Barry Morabito, during his fourth attempt to pass.

“C’mon it’s not fair! How am I supposed to make sound decisions when a drunk, hot 21 year old blonde Ensign is falling all over me?” complained Morabito. “I know I’m supposed to be learning something but Da-yum! Them some nice boob-ayes!”

According to estimates provided by the Office of Compliance, the average number of men who passed the course on the first or second try is 1.1 employees for every 100, while harassment and discrimination claims in the DOD are up in significantly in recent years.

Dunford is not also concerned that the new training may ultimately be “a little too successful” at sifting out “the creeps” among the workforce.

“We’re seeing senior leadership from top levels of the Army, Navy, and Air Force just fail and fail again,” explained Defense Department Spokesman Peter Cook. “A few of them were caught with their pants down.”

“Literally.”

Cook says too many members are finding themselves slapping invisible buttocks, staring at digital breasts, and taking off their wedding bands before the training even begins.

Defense is thinking about moving back the training into classrooms, but the female pass rate is hovering around 98%.

“For some reason,” Cook says, “there’s a lot of interest in identifying the women who failed.”

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