FALLUJAH — The official media wing of ISIS has taken credit for last week’s brutal attack in Nice, France. According to a statement from the Amaq Agency, the self-styled Caliphate planned the attack, but nobody from the group seems to even be able to remember his goddamn name.
A masked newscaster seemed flustered during a Facebook live stream. “We trained Abu … uh … Muhammad, from birth, and forged him in the fires of Al-Shaqqar,” he said.
He then covered his microphone, but could still be heard to ask someone off camera, “Wait, where was he from? Is that a real city? Do we even have a camp there?”
The broadcast cut to several images of what appeared to be stock footage of Viet Cong soldiers doing training exercises until someone in the background yelled “I don’t think that’s France.”
“We are everywhere,” the newscaster continued. “We will fulfill our promise to defeat the west — a death by a thousand cuts.”
“In fact, here are some other names of people who are acting violently on our behalf right now: Peter, Phil, Delores, and Jerry,” he said. “Wait, fuck. Was it Tim? Katherine? Whatever. They are all part of our web of true believers, fighters and soldiers we know as intimately as brothers.”
The fact that ISIS can’t even remember the attacker’s goddamn name has raised some doubts about the authenticity of the scores of claims made by the group in the past.
When questioned as to whether or not claiming responsibility for the Nice attack was “opportunistic,” ISIS spokesperson Abu Mohammad al-Adnani seemed dismissive.
“Did you not ever see the Lion King? We are all connected in the circle of life, or something,” al-Adnani insisted. “Any time you have misfortune, rest assured it is one of our agents acting on behalf of Allah, who is all merciful and compassionate unless you are not one of us. It doesn’t matter if we can’t remember his goddamn name.”
ISIS has so far claimed responsibility for every attack in every country in the history of the world, including the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and that time you banged your elbow on the wall on the way to the bathroom at 3 AM.
“Even the Pokemon Go server takedown was executed by one of our soldiers, performing his sacred duty,” concluded the ominous news report.
“Dude,” another Amaq Agency member, off-camera, said. “Was that really us? I literally was about to catch a Mewtwo. I am going to fucking kill Sayed.”