VANDENBERG AFB, Calif. – Enlightened admirers gathered at an Air Force testing facility today for the unveiling of a state-of-the-art, intercontinental ballistic missile that celebrates the modern military’s most important mission: to embrace societal expectations.
The sociological leap into the 21st century follows in the recent wake of the Pentagon’s sweeping policy changes, including the repeal of its controversial transgender ban.
“Wow, that looks just like I always imagined it would,” says local man Joe Reid, who, despite growing up in nearby Lompoc, Calif., experienced extreme difficulty navigating to the missile’s location.
“I just think they could have been a lot more explicit with the directions,” he explains above a chorus of equally flustered men murmuring in agreement.
The precision-guided prototype, SJW-16, is the latest brainchild of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and “definitely” looks more like a giant clitoris than a penis, sources confirm, adding reverent commentary about the momentous times we live in.
“This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” gushes engineer Carl Greene with fervor. “Women in developing nations will no longer be killed by an oppressive, misogynist munition’s manifest phallic hate, but instead by this formidable symbol of female empowerment.”
“Definitely not a dick!” distractedly chimes in Pete Burger, a 19 year-old computer science major who is frantically swiping right on every Tinder profile within 50 miles with the desperate hope of finally getting some female human contact.
The socially progressive, “trans” continental projectile features a round-but-perfectly-beautiful-in-its-own-way nose and a sleek, elongated body optimized for aerodynamic efficiency.
“On the outside it appears to be just like every other ballistic missile,” says lead social engineer Emile Smegman. “But I think you’ll find that on the inside, it’s an empty shell struggling with the cisgender identity thrust upon it by myopic bigots still living in 2015.”
Smegman is, of course, referring to the SJW-16’s intentional inability to carry an explosive payload.
“We here at DARPA – and by extension, the Department of Defense – not only eschew traditional, gender-specific stereotypes of masculine violence, but embrace the beauty of the clitoris’s deliberate non-contribution to the patriarchal act of procreation,” ze elaborates.
Prototype SJW-16 is yet in the early stages of testing, but already experiencing troubling issues with its rocket booster, flight controls and sensory devices.
“No one can figure out which buttons to press to get the poor thing off,” confesses Smegman.
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