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Coast Guard recruits Michael Phelps as only rescue swimmer

JUNEAU, Alaska — Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, has finished swimming in the Rio Olympics and moved on to become the Coast Guard’s one and only designated rescue swimmer.

“We snagged Aqua Man,” said Chief of Coast Guard Aviation Capt. Ray Carmichael. “So we fired all our current rescue swimmers and hired Poseidon himself.”

The 31-year-old swimmer will report to Air Station Kodiak to engage in all swimmer-based rescues. His performances have proved that he can not only handle saving the lives of those in distress at sea, but he also has the sufficient propulsion to make it to the next distress call.

After Phelps polished off the 400-meter medley relay and insisted it would be his last Olympic race, he raised his hand and indefinitely enlisted in the Coast Guard as their sole rescue swimmer.

“I figured if I’m going to be swimming, I might as well be plucking idiots out of the water,” he told reporters.

“It’s been an emotional journey from being the best Olympian that ever lived to basically a super lifeguard,” he said. “But I need another challenge in my life. And since Justice League isn’t hiring, this is the next best thing.”

“I mean it was just our luck,” said Carmichael. “Our air assets are slowly deteriorating, our boats are breaking down, and all our rescue swimmers are currently trying to save Baton Rouge from drowning.”

“I mean, now that I’ve reached my final form and grew my gills, I can carry some good distance without losing speed,” Phelps said. “I’m ready to move on to the next chapter in my life and make a real difference.”

“Suck it Ashton Kutcher.”

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